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¶ q. d. 2: Canned death fat

March 5, 2010

From the self-explanatory but hard-to-believe files:

New York has always been a troubled place.  Downstate, there was that horrible problem with jaywalking pornographers that Giuliani bravely tamed.  Since then, Bloomberg has entered the 30th year of his midlife crisis, completely convinced that if he New Yorkers doesn’t stop eating salty, fatty, fast food, he’s they’re not going to live long enough to serve out celebrate his fifth term in office. Anyhow, it’s against this background that we’re faced with the greatest crisis in the history of our state: a crippling budget deficit and ineffectual government that promise to leave most of us destitute ZOMGfat!!! Fatties and their canned death fat are clearly dragging New York down, leading to health care costs high above those states where people have never even heard of Pepsi. Anyhow, rather than giving that Senator from The Bronx money to treat AIDS patients, er, fund his campaign, we should totally tax soda. My IBI says I’m underweight, so I’m totally healthy and don’t drink soda; I poison my body with gatorade, beer, and candy. Still, if I did buy soda, it’d be at the corner store, where a 2-liter of Dr. Thunder costs, like, 50 bucks, and the name brand stuff requires a co-signer. Obviously, I’d be forced to draw the line at $50.05, thus saving the children while also creating jobs upstate. Brilliant! The Alliance for a Healthy New York agrees:

AHNY’s First T.V. Commercial: “Preventable” from Something Digital on Vimeo.

Transcript below

Randi Brook, Nutritionist: I see overweight and obese kids every day.

Dr. Lisa Altshuler, Pediatric Psychologist: I know what their future holds.

Dr. Philip Ozuah, Chief of Pediatrics: diabetes, heart disease, cancer…

Dr. Altshuler: It is an epidemic and it’s preventable

Voiceover: [images of New Yorkers drinking themselves fat, and the New York Times, so there’s that]Over ten million New Yorkers are dangerously overweight. By adding pennies to the cost of sugary sodas and drinks, [images of people not dying of teh death fat] we can help reduce obesity, and we can use the money to stop devastating health care cuts in Albany.

Dr. Ozuah: Helping New Yorkers lose weight is a matter of life and death.

Voiceover: Tell Albany to pass the soda tax, and make New York healthier.

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